This topic is wide enough to warrant having two posts. This first article examines the changing dynamics as partners get to know and (mis)understand each other. It also looks at the daunting and harrowing aspect of abuse.

The Changing Face of Your Relationship – Part 2, looks at the financial and sexual dynamics that play out and what they portend for the future of the relationship.

Please reflect on these questions and answer each as honestly as you can. If any question upsets you, ask yourself “Why?” Is it the question? or, Is it what your truthful answer would be? Answer in your head if the state of your relationship is such that writing things down is not a wise move.

If you are in a long-term relationship, you would have noticed that, over time, there have been changes in your interactions with your partner—some good, some bad.

On the good side, you have built an understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes to the extent that communication can pass between you both without a word. Silences do not need to be broken just to fill space. Then on the other hand, some may look at their dearly beloved, wondering who in heaven’s name is this stranger. Cringing at the thought, they wonder how they could have loved and eagerly been intimate with this person; their only wish—just hurry up and die while I still have some life in me.

I take you to be my partner: Then vs Now

Why did you get together and do those reasons still hold true today?

What is most different about your relationship today than when you first got together?

How do you feel about it? Does your partner feel the same?

Forget about being in love, “Do you like your partner?” Explain your answer.

Forget about being in love, “Do you like your partner?”

How do you think your partner feels about you and the state of the relationship?

How do you know that? Words, deeds, other people say?

What do you continually say or do that brings out the nasty in your partner?

Why do you say or do it, knowing the effect it has? Don’t ruffle your feathers, you know exactly what I mean.

What happens when the tables are turned, how do you handle it?

Do you feel it is your right and duty to go through your partner’s phone, wallet, or car? What are you looking for?

Where in the contract does it give you the right to be guardian of your partners thoughts and actions? Don’t you get tired of all that policing?

Why would you want to be with someone you can’t allow yourself to trust? Is it because you are insecure and needy?

If you believe your partner is a dog who needs constant monitoring, why are you still in the relationship?

Are you always right, about everything? When have you ever admitted to being wrong and simply apologized?

Do you sometimes just allow your partner to be wrong, just because? No looks, no comment, no nothing?

What does your partner love most? When last did you make sure your partner had it for nothing in return?

Honor and obey; but at what cost?

Do you know how to recognize verbal, mental, and emotional abuse?

How much physical abuse are you willing to stomach before leaving an abusive relationship?

What lies do you tell yourself to justify your staying in an abusive relationship?

Is it fear? Do you blame yourself? Is it a price you are willing to pay for having the things you want?

Let’s say you are staying for the sake of the children; will your bags be packed and waiting for you to take off the day the last child leaves home? What plans do you have in place for that day?

If you think you were put on this earth, raised, and educated just to be someone’s anger management tool, when and how did you convince yourself?

What if someone rightly suspects abuse in your relationship and intervenes, how would you respond? How did you respond?

What if you suspect or witness abuse in a relationship, what would make your intervene? How would you do it?

What if someone rightly suspects abuse in your relationship and intervenes, how would you respond? How did you respond?

When can abuse in a relationship be justified?

Were these questions easy to answer because you’ve had to keep your partner in line every now and then?

Special comments on this important topic of abuse

If you have been or are on the receiving end of any physical blow in a relationship, whether you are male or female, my advice is to RUN.

RUN FAST and FAR after the first beating episode, as soon as you can safely get away.

Abusive relationships rarely, if ever, get any better—usually increased brutality and frequency is the pattern. They are not sorry and it will happen again. Do not hide it, blame yourself, or make excuses for your partner.

GET HELP! Please do not wait for the final knockout round, it might really be final. Get all the help you can in order to leave as soon as you can.

Respect for the privacy of others is paramount, but genuine concern, discretely expressed can open the door for someone in need of help and may even save a life.

Warning signs of abuse

For others looking on, we need to recognize the signs of abuse in the relationships of others, especially those close to us. Look for obvious and subtle things like:

• bruises, cuts, and signs of recent crying;
• attempts to conceal pain that might indicate injury to the body;
• fear or unusual concern about not being home or completing household tasks on time;
• reluctance to take calls or visitors at home;
• reluctance to speak or voice opinions in the presence of their partner;
• prolonged mood change and lack of participation in their usual social activities; plus
• increasingly unnecessary and overprotective presence of their partner at every social occasion.

Respect for the privacy of others is paramount. But genuine concern, discretely expressed without accusation can open the door for someone in need of help to accept, if they are so inclined or feel safe enough.

It can be as simple as “Suzie, I notice you haven’t been your usual self lately. If you just need to talk or if there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.”

A simple enough comment …but it may save a life.

Done thinking about it?

Review your answers. What do they reveal about you? Is this what you truly believe? It’s only you and yourself in this moment, no spouse, no partner. Be as brutally honest as if you were discussing someone else’s business.